Breaking Point

Sheri Lynn Fella

There it is again. My suitcase. What once was an object that meant an exciting adventure was ahead, now triggers my anxiety and to be honest – a healthy level of dread. It is not just that travel these days is not all that enjoyable for me . . . it is that I find it exhausting, and sad. Sad that there isn’t more kindness in the world, and exhausting for many other reasons.

Exhausting to know for 12 hours or more I will be in a mask – which I want to wear and am happy to wear, but do not enjoy. Exhausting that I will feel anxiety (an emotion I do not experience consistently, at least pre-Covid) about how safe I am being for myself, for others. Exhausting to get to the hotel and wonder about the same things. Exhausting to be at a client site and have the same concerns. Exhausting. And with exhaustion, comes my little to no tolerance for most things and I don’t think I am alone.  

Several weeks ago, my team and I experienced a development session on trauma, and it was eye opening. So many connections to stress and toxic stress that we are all experiencing at varying levels in our whole, full lives. This experience helped me to understand why something like my suitcase triggers me in different ways now. My breaking point hasn’t changed, my capacity for tolerance has and understandably so.

One way to unpack what has impacted my capacity to absorb more change, more stress, more overwhelm, more whatever is to mind map it. What an illuminating exercise . . . to see visually on my map all the different nodes of energy draining events and activities was powerful. And then my real work began.

Now that I had it all on a flip chart, I could be curious with it rather than judge it. I could ask why this project or the grocery store was draining for me – I could get beyond the symptoms and get to the root cause. And getting to the root cause gave me choice back.  

Let’s take the grocery store as an example . . . I used to enjoy going to the grocery store. And so I asked myself what about the grocery store is energy draining? My answers . . . the anxiety for care of myself and others, the mood of people around me, the time it will take, and of course the mask – the damn mask and the fogged-up glasses. So I have my answers, and now I asked myself . . . and now what, Sheri? What are your choices here?

I could choose to be frustrated about the fog producing mask or I could be grateful for it – that I have access to it and that it keeps me safe, helps me show care for others. I chose the latter – wearing the mask aligns with my value of care for others so that added a little more lightness. I could choose to be disappointed in humanity and the general lack of kindness that we are all experiencing too often these days, or I could choose to focus on the other mask wearers in the store. I could choose to thank the workers who were there helping us all get our basic needs met rather than be impatient with how much time my grocery trip was taking. 

I could choose to tell myself that I don’t have time to get what my body needs to operate at its best level for me or I could order pizza and avoid all of this. And in truth, I ordered pizza because it felt good and it helped lift my energy – how about that for transparency ha! And that pizza was sooo good.

But the next day, I chose to get the fuel my body needed and I chose to see that time as an investment in me rather than an expense. And I leaned into gratitude . . . I spent time at the deli counter talking with the deli worker who was hilarious and thanked her for her time and energy. And that felt so much better than me standing here looking at my watch and trying to will her into getting my sliced turkey to me in less than 2 minutes. I didn’t even notice the time . . . I trusted she was doing her best and I was going to do my best to cheer her on. That was how my grocery store experience started, and it continued that way.

Even when the mask below the nose guy made a rude comment to the young man checking us out . . . I didn’t focus on the disappointment I felt with the rude guy. I instead made conversation with the young man checking us out and thanked him and asked what was ahead for his weekend. It helped us both and gave a signal to rude guy that hey – we have choice here. Maybe the rude guy was having a bad day . . . maybe he was out of tolerance too, and he has a choice to not pass whatever he is feeling onto to someone else. I have that choice, too. We all do.

I chose not to focus on my disappointment and instead decided to lean into gratitude which felt like a positive lift in my energy. When I got home, I noticed how much lighter I felt as I put the groceries away. I felt grateful that I could access such fresh food, that I had a refrigerator to put it in that was plugged into power that was on, that I had three hilarious conversations with the grocery store folks – Mike, Judy and Ian thank you! And I felt aware of my choice and accountable for what I chose.  

My tolerance may be lower, and I still have choice to increase or decrease it. And that was one node on my mind map. Staying curious with myself as I moved throughout my map, gave me lots of choices and options to improve my capacity for tolerance. And isn’t that the one thing we can all agree on . . . that we live in a space in the world that is about choice. Choice is powerful and I hope we can all make choices that are full of gratitude and kindness for ourselves and everyone around us. Owning the consequences of those kind choices are a lot more fun and uplifting for me than owning the choices I make that are grounded in my frustration or fear.

There is a lot happening all the time for all of us. And there is choice in all that is happening. Looking at my suitcase now feels a little less daunting, and I hope you hit pause for a moment, put some thoughts down on paper for your own map, and choose what makes you feel even a little lighter.