The Caregivers Dilemma - Between Generations

Alison Loughran

I watched my daughter board a plane, alone, for the first time this month. I thought that I would feel so proud to be able to squeeze her one last time and then take a quick picture of her turning around for a last wave. 

Any parent who has been in this situation and is also in possession of a heart knows how this movie ends: not with me proudly watching her plane take off, but with me collapsing into a chair not even bothering to hold in my tears. And then staying to watch her plane take off, still weeping, and seriously reconsidering some of my recent choices. Choices that I didn’t realize I would already be making between taking care of my teen daughter and taking care of my parents. 

Parenting my parents was not a gradual decision as I had imagined. It happened in a very swift exchanging of looks between my dad and I when a doctor asked a question of us while my mom lay sleeping in the cardiac ICU, recovering from open heart surgery. With a pointed eyebrow raise from him, I realized that I was expected to answer the question hanging in the air, and also the questions to come about additional health decisions. I had the immediate thought of “Oh. I’M in charge of this conversation now.” 

I am living temporarily in Florida near my parents to provide them support in the short term. However, I do have a teenage daughter that is still my other greatest priority. Making the choice to come closer to my parents meant that I chose to let her wonderful father and fantastic stepmom take full-time responsibility for her. It still feels awful to say. It is tough to know that I can’t see my daughter in 10 minutes if I want to. 

I am grateful for the work that I do that allows me to make that choice, and to have a lifestyle that allows me the flexibility to do it. I am also feeling resentful that I have to make it. Holding light and dark together is the constant in this new journey. 

I knew that I would never regret coming to be with my parents when they needed me. I did know that I would regret not coming. I knew that might mean missing parts of my daughter’s junior year that I wanted to witness and guide her through. It also created possibility for my daughter and I to re-create how we navigate our relationship, not sweating the small stuff, being more kind and more forgiving so that we can both be present and enjoy the time when we are together.

Though I am feeling grateful that I can make good choices, I also know that many in my situation don’t even have that luxury. Melinda French Gates recently published a blog that is a call to action to pass a national paid leave bill. Reminding us that our economy “runs on caregivers”, she cites research that 75% of U.S. voters across party lines support a national paid family and medical leave policy.

I’m in privileged position to be able to make the choice that I have, and to make it work for me and my family. I can take a plane to see my daughter, can be present for my parents and still do the work that I need to do to earn a living.  

Besides the support that the government has the opportunity to provide – as every other world power has been able to provide for their citizens - I hope that you take a moment to ask questions and explore how your organizations support employees who are making the kinds of choices that I am. Who is facing the impossible choices of who they can care for versus their own livelihood? 

We know for sure that “babies will be born, aging parents will fall, children and spouses will get sick, and some of us will find ourselves recovering at home from an illness or injury. The question is not whether U.S. workers will need time away from work—it’s whether this is the year Congress will ensure that paid leave is available when they do.”