What Do You Say?
Sheri Lynn Fella
The focus on renewal and rejuvenation that the turn of the year inspires is in full swing around me. In my immediate circles, focus on self, especially emotional and physical well-being, is even more prevalent as we move into 2022 than in years before.
I enjoy hearing about how the people around me are approaching the spaces where they have chosen to place that focus, and the ways that they believe will work for them. I have learned a lot from conversations with friends about discovering patterns, where we find challenges and what makes us feel truly and wholly well. And how we are going to get even better at feeling truly and wholly well.
I also have heightened radar for the moments where deep self-judgement language creeps into these conversations – mine and others. In the past, I would always join right into a good self-critical conversation, detailing all the ways I still needed to fix myself, where I was failing, how I didn’t take care of my body the way I “should”, didn’t like this, that, and everything about myself. Apologizing for the space my body was taking up, for the ways I wasn’t doing things perfectly, for aging and sagging, for being less than what the world tells me I should be.
What I have absolute clarity about now is that I cannot HATE myself into being or doing anything. And I am incredibly sensitive to people whose self-talk is rooted in hatred. I have learned that the voice in my head and the way I talk to myself, about myself, matters. It matters even more than what others tell me. Have you ever overheard someone being complimented, and then the person immediately following it up with something like “Oh, you like my suit? I think it’s a terrible color for me. It fit better a year ago. I’m never really stylish...” etc. etc. etc. I have a visceral reaction to this kind of self-talk now. It makes me sad and makes me wonder what they are saying to themselves in their head if they are saying those kinds of things out loud.
I have learned that I feel much better about trying to make changes in my life when I approach my own stumbling blocks and challenges with the kindness that I would extend to my closest friend. How I would take her hands in mine and let her know that she isn’t the sum of her achievements, her body, or her things. I would tell her all the beautiful things that I see in her and about her. I might cook something good for her and have her put her feet up and relax.
I would let her know that she inspires me with how much energy she is putting into making changes, not because she is broken but because she wants to grow. How can we extend that love and grace and support to ourselves, for the work we are trying to do?
My hope in 2022 is that you notice how you talk to you, and about you. How much support do you provide for yourself? How might you become the friend you need? How can you really be a loving partner to yourself, instead of a chorus of doubt, criticism, and shame? How might your kindness to yourself enable the changes you are hoping to make?
