Holidays, Family, and Belonging

Sheri Lynn Fella

I founded Bloombase almost 12 years ago because I believed with my whole being that work environments could be less toxic and more supportive of the people in them. I still believe that.  And I know that the leaders of those environments bear the largest responsibility for creating positivity and belonging - there are infinite possibilities to create those kinds of spaces wherever we lead in our companies, communities and families.

In my life’s work, the vast majority of even the most hardened, toxic leaders I have collaborated with have been able to hear really hard feedback, own it, build awareness around it, and learn to shift how they show up so they can move from toxicity to belonging. And folks, being a witness to those hard journeys is the most sacred in the vocation I feel so privileged to have chosen. Facing yourself and owning the harm you have caused (unintentional or not) is brave, excruciating work. And witnessing the liberation on the other side is awe inspiring.  The possibility and connection that kind of bravery opens up for that leader, their team, and their family is miraculous to watch because the payoff is joy and well-being.

Leaders lead wherever they go… if a leader creates toxicity in the workplace, they likely create it in all the other spaces of their lives, and the same of course is true for those leaders who create positive space. And thus began the WHOLE leader approach my team and I take to everything we do at Bloombase. Yes, there is a lot of expertise, research, wisdom, etc. that we bring to the table, but ultimately what we do is help leaders liberate themselves and in turn open up possibility and connection for themselves and everyone around them. 

So what does this have to do with Belonging, Family and the Holidays?

Well, as I said… leaders lead wherever they go and that includes at home with neighbors, family and friends. That includes you because we are all the leaders of our own lives and it feels especially important to consider this now given all of the toxicity, hatred, exclusion, etc. being sown in our world. All of the DIS-connection versus connection that is being thrown at us is so unhealthy, and actually lethal in the long run. And I believe that if we all started with where we lead, own our choices, and do our best to create connection in all the spaces we are in, then the world will in fact change because we would all have a place to belong. After all, individuals making change is the only way change happens, and this feels especially important over the holidays and especially important in our families – both blood and chosen. 

And when I say family, I don’t mean a traditional, DNA relative only view of it, I mean “Family” as in the group of loved ones - blood or chosen - that choose to consistently show up in your life with love and integrity and the loved ones you choose to also show up for in kind. 

As my grandma always said, blood doesn’t make a family… behavior does. And I have had loads of good and bad examples of that in my own family over the years. And the older, and hopefully wiser, I get the more I see the hard part of the holidays for so many families. This pattern of difficulty emerges strongly and consistently in our coaching practice with leaders year after year at this time of year so my team and I thought it might be helpful to explore this pattern with you. 

This year, in my own big family of blood and chosen loved ones, the hard side of growth has been alive and well, like it is in any group of messy humans. And I have made some difficult choices throughout the year to stand in my own values as a result.  When we are in the hard space together, the majority of folks usually want to act like the hard and the harm isn’t happening at all. Which, for me, is the most unhealthy and unhelpful choice of all.

The truth is that while the hard space is hard, it is full of possibility, and there is always lots of awareness and learning to be had for everyone. If we are truly the friends, the team, the family we all espouse to be, we each have to GROW to a new space for us all to really BELONG. Not exactly the gift we may might want from Santa this year, and yet if we each own our stuff and lead ourselves through it with love and integrity, the growth will absolutely happen. And without that, it absolutely won’t.

Family, in particular, is hard this time of year for many. And joyful. Even with family members that share our DNA, I have often wondered why the hard has to be there. We all grew up with the same values, same grandparents, same parents, same opportunity to make life choices… why are we all so different as adults?

Because we all grow at different rates. We all choose different life experiences so we not only grow at different rates, we grow in different directions. Sameness is impossible even with our relatives, and who would want that anyway… we would all be a bunch of boring cookie cut outs right?  And we don’t need sameness if we have connection… because we don’t need to be alike, but we all do need to feel like we BELONG. That we are loved and respected for who and how we are. Belonging for me is being in a space where I can be me. Where I can integrate into the group, or family, or neighborhood, or team, or whatever without feeling the pressure to assimilate to be accepted. I no longer trade my own authenticity for acceptance. That is what is missing in parts of my family for me right now – the opportunity to belong as my whole self. 

So, now what? I ask this question a lot in my work at Bloombase and boy, do I ask myself that question in hard spaces. On the daily. So in the hopes that this helps any of you tackle hard spaces in your families this holiday season and with your teams this time of year, I am sharing how I might care for myself through a hard scenario and also sharing the curiosity I hope I and others hold with the intention that it might open up possibility for you and cause you to reflect on your own choices.

First, I sort through my emotions before I take any action. I reflect, I get help from various sources to open up possibility and my perspective, and then I choose my next step… I state how I feel about the choices and behaviors of whoever caused harm and I state it to them only along with what I expect as truthfully and honestly as I can given the situation that they have created. Then it is up to them to choose how they want to respond to that. What I am not going to do is give in to the voices that try to create guilt or shame or the “shoulds.” Here are some examples of those voices in case they help you.

“Sheri, it is (whatever event or holiday) – you just never know if you will have another.” Or “maybe the first of the year would be a better time to tackle it.” “Sheri, just show up for everyone else’s sake. You can ignore them.” “Everyone is ignoring it, Sheri, let’s just move on.” Those could all be true and all are options, and my truth is this – this situation is not mine to fix. It is not my mess to clean up or to ignore. I didn’t create this situation, nor do I control the lifeline of others. Just because I could show up with more emotional maturity than others doesn’t mean that is the right thing to do for me or anyone. I could show up and ignore people if that is who I was… but that isn’t who I am. That is diminishing of me and them. And it is just flat unhealthy.

So I respond, not react, to the situation grounded in my own values and self-care of me. Questions to consider… What might you be needing from your family? What might you be unintentionally diminishing in yourself by showing up in a way that violates your own boundaries and values? What is your truth that needs to be voiced? What do you own in this situation and what do others own?

I also get clear about what else I am not going to do in any of my relationships if I intend to live in my values – which I very much do intend to do every day. I am not perfect. I don’t always get it right, and I know I intend to and when my execution falls short of my intention, I own it and where appropriate, I apologize for any unintentional harm.

I do not hide behind others. If I have an issue in any of my relationships, I deal with that person in the relationship directly, as an emotionally mature adult.  I do not involve other family members.  At work, I do not involve teammates of that person or their boss before I go directly to them. If I can’t find the courage to face the person that I have an issue with, then I keep it to myself until I can find the courage. And I get help from trusted advisors, counselors, coaches, friends, etc. to get my own clarity and find my own courage and not get stuck in my own thinking and hurt feelings. I don’t dump my emotional baggage on others or pass on my hurt expecting someone else to fix it. What help might you need? What other perspectives might be helpful? What is getting in the way of you finding your own courage? What is the root of the hurt and what part do you own? What part do others own?

I don’t hide behind technology – texts, social media, instant messaging, etc. If I have an issue, I deal with it human-to-human, not tech-to-tech. I don’t send a thoughtless text or use social media as my voice. I will own my choice and voice, and express it like a healthy, adult face-to-face with love and respect. Most everyone in the world has access to everyone face-to-face these days post Covid. How might I be using social media or technology to hide? To grow? What other choices might I have at my disposal to deal with situations openly and honestly so people can see my facial expressions/hear my tone? What do I want in this relationship – to be right in the short term or to grow to a healthier place in the long term?

I don’t hide behind anyone as I stated above, nor will I allow anyone to hide behind me. If a loved one or teammate requests that I fight their fight for them, to have a discussion for them, etc. I will decline. I will offer to listen and give a perspective and help them see their potential blind spots etc., if they are open to the possibility that they might be missing something and if they commit to having the conversation themselves. Yes, that includes if it is my own best friend or a boss, a neighbor or a parent or whoever. I can hold the space for someone to figure themselves out – that is healthy. I do not hold space for anyone to trash another person while they have no courage to be accountable for their part or do the work that healthy relationships require. Why might this person be coming to you? What does healthy support here look like for you? For the other person? What expectations do you have of this person? How do you want to show up in this situation and honor your own values?

I don’t take any side but my own. The only side I take is the one based in my values. I make an effort to understand all perspectives. I might agree to mediate, or to have open, honest, albeit hard, discussions, and I will do that grounded in my own values with transparency and integrity.  What questions do I have for this person coming to me? How have they owned their part in this? What blind spots might this person have?

I don’t enable unacceptable behavior that violates my own values by remaining silent or by acting like the behavior hasn’t happened. This is the most harmful choice of all in my experience. Love and integrity go hand and hand in my world. This choice would require that I not only assimilate, but that I abandon every value I live by. That is not a team or a family I will thrive in because acting without integrity is not who I am. 

Enablement is the silent killer of most healthy environments – in our homes, on our teams, in our communities. Elie Wiesel famously said, “We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, the never the tormented.” Let that sink into your soul. If your teammate or family member treats another teammate or family member horribly, and you show up to that person’s space and interact with that person like nothing is wrong, you are condoning their treatment of others because you are enabling it by not challenging it. To be clear, you must speak and act from your own values – you don’t need to protect or speak for someone else, speaking for yourself here is the focus if you want to live your own values. If you don’t have an issue with the bad behavior, then fine. Don’t tell the person who was impacted by that bad behavior that you care for them or agree the behavior is unacceptable unless you are going to act on your own words and set your own boundaries and expectations with the offender. 

Taking an informed stand and setting boundaries/expectations based in values and understanding is healthy and courageous. Taking an uninformed side and pointing blame is harmful and cowardly. Taking no stand in your own values is saying you are ok with bad behaviors as long as it doesn’t happen directly to you. Family members and teammates that “go along to get along” don’t go very far and rarely go to any place meaningful or healthy enough for people to stay there. What courage might you be missing to stand in your own values so you don’t enable more of the same behavior? How might your positive intent be causing unintentional harm? What might the fixer in you be unintentionally breaking down trust and belonging?  What gets in the way of you stating your own truth?

Belonging matters. To everyone. Hurt people, hurt people. And while I choose to empathize with the hurt people in the world, and as unfair as being hurt feels to most of us, dealing with the hurt is OUR work, not everyone else’s. None of us get to escape the hard part of the life experience that challenge us all… that is where the learning is.  In my own life, I have grown the most from the hard, hurtful spaces… because I have chosen to grow. I didn’t choose the hurt… nor do I choose to pass my hurt on. 

There have been times in my life that I have passed hurt on – unintentionally and sadly intentionally when I didn’t have the emotional maturity or capacity to make a healthier choice.  And because I know better now, I can do better now.  I hope we all make a choice to grow and to do better, especially as the holiday season approaches.

None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. If you owe someone an apology, apologize. If you didn’t have the courage to face the person you had issue with, then apologize to everyone you indirectly involved and find the courage to face yourself and the other person directly. If you haven’t owned your part, own it.  If you want a healthy life, you need healthy relationships. Many growth stages in relationships start with, “I am sorry. I could have handled that better, and I understand how that must have hurt you or broken trust between us.” And they end with proof that you meant that apology and that proof comes in the form of new behaviors.

If I caused a ruckus in a relationship and know I did, and I then get upset by how people responded to my ruckus causing… I have some hard, internal work to do. I don’t get to be a victim of the situation I created. I don’t get to critique another’s response when I haven’t owned or apologized for why they had a response in the first place. That is like me starting a fire and then complaining that people got me too wet when they put my fire out. I don’t get to lodge a complaint until I own my stuff first and do the repair needed due to my poor choices. And again, I get help… if I operate in a vacuum, I likely have only my perspective which is at best part of the truth, and at worst – not close to what actually happened outside of my own mind.

Perhaps a straightforward example of belonging will help to illustrate just how easy it can be to create it. There is an elderly woman in my neighborhood who lives alone. She doesn’t have any blood family living as she was an only child, and her chosen family has mostly passed. I see her house out of my home office window, and I noticed that I didn’t see visitors except that once or twice a summer, a group of folks stop by and mow her yard and clean up shrubs, trees, and such.  So I approached her and asked if I could do anything for her and she didn’t respond well to that.  Said she didn’t need any help and she was fine and abruptly shut her front door. I accepted that.  And then I left her a handwritten note and apologized for any harm I had unintentionally caused and explained briefly why I approached her, that I had noticed little traffic in her driveway, that I too lived by myself with no blood family nearby, etc. and that if she ever changed her mind, that I hoped she’d reach out. 

I heard nothing from her for years – I honestly don’t know if it was three or four, but one day there was a note in my mailbox of almost illegible hand writing and she asked if I would mind sending her a card every now and then just saying hello because she loved getting mail. So I do that.  Everyone month or so, I send a card with a little poem or something in it and simply wish her a good month ahead. We have not had a conversation yet, but I accept that she knows what she needed. I mean she thought about it for years, and if she wants more than that she will ask for it.  So I mail her a card every so often… I don’t walk a card across the street and put it in her mailbox, I mail it like she asked. Maybe this one infinitesimal act is what gives her a feeling of belonging in this neighborhood, and isn’t that amazing?! How little might it take to create belonging?!

And lastly, a special shout out to my clients and loved ones who could not or chose not to have kids of their own or who chose a nontraditional family for themselves… myself included here. Because kids and blood family are how many traditionally find belonging, it feels very UNbelonging if we didn’t choose the traditional family route – especially this time of year. And while that traditional route is only 30% of the U.S.  population, it is the majority of how most of us perceive “family”.

For the majority of us who have a nontraditional family, I hope you state what you need to your loved ones, even if it is hard for them to understand. The holidays can be full of childlike wonder, and as a proud aunt and great aunt to lots of kids and as an addicted baby cuddler, I cherish watching the kids in my life light up at this time of year. It is for sure one of my favorite parts of the holiday season and of my life all year long. And… it matters to me that folks want to see my home for the holidays, want to engage in my life events, and that others want to hear what is important to me even if they don’t relate to or understand it. It matters to me that others might want to know how I might like to celebrate the holidays or get together throughout the year with adults as much as with kids. There is room for all of us to be us, during the holidays and throughout each day of the year. 

What reflection might you need for you? What choices might you need to put care for yourself first?  What shoulds might you let go of to open up possibility and growth for all? How might you be unintentionally causing disconnection in your team and family?

This is my wish every year and all year long… that we all find a way to open up belonging for ourselves and everyone around us.  May we all trust that whoever and however we are, it is enough. May all of you have a happy holiday of belonging and may you feel like you belong wherever and however you are.